Buffering

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about the blackness and whiteness of the world. Nothing is really black and white anymore. There is so much gray. There’s more gray than black and white. Nothing really makes sense anymore. Bad people are winning and good people are failing. Good things twist into bad things. It’s been really making me think a lot about my life.

 

I dream about my exes sometimes. Not necessarily because I am unhappy with my current boyfriend, but because there is so much gray area in ex-boyfriends. If I had done this, would it have worked out? If I would have left him a year before I did, would I be in the same place today? I wonder sometimes, do other people think about their exes? Not in a I-miss-you-and-regret-breaking-up-with-your-cheating-ass kind of way, but in a hey-we-used-to-love-each-other kind of way? Not necessarily because you miss them or want to grab a coffee, but more in the curious sort of way, like you hope they’re happy or wonder if they still eat cereal late at night. I think everything happens for a reason. I think that all of the shit that we’re put through eventually leads us to something better. Those shitty boys who make us commute hundreds of miles to see them and then just ignore the fact that I’m wearing my best dress…they eventually lead us to the people or the circumstances we’re meant to be with.

 

We lived in a fucked up, upside down world. I feel like my life has been stuck in the “buffering” phase for years. I feel like I’m waiting for my life to really begin. I go from menial job to menial job, not really learning a thing or feeling like I actually belong. And when I go somewhere where I feel like I really should belong, then I convince myself I don’t. It’s like life is this giant waiting room and we all feel like we don’t fit in. It seems like we’re all waiting for someone to call our number, for our perfect group or soul mate to find us. But do we ever really find them? Do we ever really find our path in life? Or does it just find us?