Buffering

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about the blackness and whiteness of the world. Nothing is really black and white anymore. There is so much gray. There’s more gray than black and white. Nothing really makes sense anymore. Bad people are winning and good people are failing. Good things twist into bad things. It’s been really making me think a lot about my life.

 

I dream about my exes sometimes. Not necessarily because I am unhappy with my current boyfriend, but because there is so much gray area in ex-boyfriends. If I had done this, would it have worked out? If I would have left him a year before I did, would I be in the same place today? I wonder sometimes, do other people think about their exes? Not in a I-miss-you-and-regret-breaking-up-with-your-cheating-ass kind of way, but in a hey-we-used-to-love-each-other kind of way? Not necessarily because you miss them or want to grab a coffee, but more in the curious sort of way, like you hope they’re happy or wonder if they still eat cereal late at night. I think everything happens for a reason. I think that all of the shit that we’re put through eventually leads us to something better. Those shitty boys who make us commute hundreds of miles to see them and then just ignore the fact that I’m wearing my best dress…they eventually lead us to the people or the circumstances we’re meant to be with.

 

We lived in a fucked up, upside down world. I feel like my life has been stuck in the “buffering” phase for years. I feel like I’m waiting for my life to really begin. I go from menial job to menial job, not really learning a thing or feeling like I actually belong. And when I go somewhere where I feel like I really should belong, then I convince myself I don’t. It’s like life is this giant waiting room and we all feel like we don’t fit in. It seems like we’re all waiting for someone to call our number, for our perfect group or soul mate to find us. But do we ever really find them? Do we ever really find our path in life? Or does it just find us?

Who You Are

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Good god. I haven’t been on here in a year. A year.

I feel like, for the majority of my life, I have always been trying to get someone’s approval. People will always be around to tell you that you’re not good enough; you’re not thin enough, you’re not smart enough, you’re not kinky enough. It doesn’t really matter what it is—somehow, in some way, there is someone that is going to tell you this. For me, it was the people closest to me: my friends, boyfriends, family, co-workers. Being the tender heart that I am, this was a direct shot to my heart.

When I was 17-years-old, I made a promise with myself to lose weight. I had some bumps along the way, but within six months, I had lost 40 pounds. It was incredible how I had made this life-altering change and I was so proud of myself, but I still didn’t have the approval of those around me. In fact, if it was possible, I felt like the people around me treated me even worse. I asked myself, why is this happening? Why can’t they be happy for me? Haven’t they seen how far that I’ve come?

I hit rock bottom when I came home from a basketball game my senior year of high school. I had spent the night with my best friend, my former crush, and his new girlfriend. I had stood up for my best friend on a social media site when her ex-boyfriend was being a complete jerk to her. In return, I received a personal message from him in my inbox, “You’re fat. Who’s smart now?” He hadn’t seen me since I had lost weight, so I quickly dismissed that, but it really resonated with me in the fact that, how you look is really only half the battle. If people, for whatever reason, don’t like you to begin with, losing 40 pounds isn’t going to make them fall in love with you. This may not have been the exact time or place that this lesson hit me, but it was something that I never expected to hear after finally reaching my goal weight.

I’ve been bullied for as long as I can remember. Whether in school, the workplace, online, over text…it doesn’t really matter. The point is, I have been there. I’ve been to that place where you feel like there’s no one to turn to, no one else understands, there’s nothing left to live for. And I can tell you one thing for certain: it does get better. Somehow, some way, the page turns and it’s a new day. People may always dislike me and I may never be the skinniest girl in the room, but this I have found to be the ultimate truth: if someone dislikes you, its their problem, not yours. Nothing that you will do will change their minds. I was bullied for being fat, so I lost 40 pounds, and people still judged me for my weight. You have to learn, sometimes the hard way, that it’s not your problem. There’s nothing for you to change. You’re perfect just the way you
are. There’s nothing wrong with you! There is, however, something wrong with them. If someone is truly confident and secure with who they are, they won’t feel the need to put others down. They will encourage other people to be comfortable in their own skin and with who they are. Your self-worth is not determined by anyone else but you. You tell yourself who you are, no one else.

I’ve been given the opportunity, call it fate or destiny or whatever you want, to start anew. I feel like I’ve been running in place since I graduated high school. I’ve always been a writer, but I put that on hold for a long time trying to do and be what other people told me that I was. Something I’ve learned is that people will gladly tell you what you’re capable of if you let them. I know that I am capable of so much more than people like to tell me that I am. People told me that I wasn’t capable of becoming of a famous novelist. They laughed at me. They told me that I had to go to college, work a meaningless job, and eventually, get a day job. Why spend $30,000+ in student loans when all the tools to be writer are within me? I never needed anyone to tell me how to write. Before I could even write my own name, I knew how to dream up a story. I took a writing class in college and all it did was make me overthink my writing, and my writing went to shit. It took me a long time to get my writing back to where I wanted it to be.

I’m a free spirit. I pave my own path, I don’t like to do “what everyone else is doing.” I have always wanted to do things my own way. Part of my recent “start over” came about because some pretty awful people wanted me to do things their way and I wouldn’t. I’m my own person, I’m not someone’s possession, you can’t tell me how to live my life. I’m not going to spend 8 years in college preparing to live my life, I am going to fucking live it.

My word of advice, to anyone who comes across my blog is: no one can tell you who you are. Only you can tell that. BE YOURSELF. Stand out. Normal is boring. Fight for what you believe in, what you’re passionate about. Keep fighting. You’re not alone.

For Now,

B.

Glittered Pencils

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Hi there! My name is Brianna Marie. I am 20-years-old, an avid writer. This is not my first blog…I started one a few years back but have since decided to start a new one! I hope this one works more in the direction I would like to take.

Since I am the ripe age of 20, I am a college student. Though, I must say, college is not the frat parties and all-nighter study sessions I was expecting (wink, wink). For me, since I work late nights, it is more of a game of, “Should I go to class today?” every morning. No matter how late my classes are, I’m still dragging my feet to go. I have been having a hard time making it to class, obviously. But not only that; I haven’t found much interest in anything. I took creative writing thinking it would help my writers block, but it only thickened it. It took me months to come back out of it. I started with psychology this semester, and after two weeks, I am ready to drop it. It may sound like I am a total quitter, but trust me, I’m not!

My biggest issue is that I don’t want to be there. I don’t want to sit in long boring classes to “prepare” to live my life – I just want to live my life! I think that is my biggest issue. I read articles about people my age (or younger!) who are published, well-known, bestselling authors, and that makes me crazy! What is my excuse? I always thought I would go to college, major in something I am somewhat interested in, and work a day job until I get published. But I am beginning to notice that I’m not meant for a day job. I’m not meant to by my time, finding meaningless things to do before I actually live. I’m meant to live right now!

That is my mantra. While discussing this with my boyfriend, although he agreed with me, he is a bit more of realist than I am. I said I just wanted to run away to Europe, and write my books as I wandered through the mossy hills and brick-walled shopping districts. It has become a requirement to have a college degree nowadays, even just to work at a retail store! Why do I need to waste six years of my life “preparing” for a job I don’t even care about? What I care about is writing books, letting the world read what adventures have been in my head my whole life! I guess that makes me a deviant, but I’ve never really been a big fan of labels, stereotypes, or making one standard mandatory for everyone.

When I was a child, I used to write so freely and never let anyone’s opinions affect me. But in my creative writing class, I got so much negative feedback from my workshop. I couldn’t believe how much it crushed me. What started out as a story about a friendship that fell apart was translated into lesbian lovers, one of which was pregnant, who broke up. What? Although that class was awful, it opened my eyes to the negative feedback. I took a very important lesson away from it: “The difference between amateur writers and professional writers is that professional writers know their first drafts are going to be total shit.” Even the most famous authors in the world have been rejected by someone. It’s the rejection that makes the acceptance worth it. It’s the rejection that makes you look back at your work and say, “They don’t love it, but someone will.” I read a story about an author who was rejected enough times that she could tape all her rejection letters together and it stretched the length of a football field! That is inspirational! That is true dedication, and that is what I have. I’ve had so many people say to me, “You don’t really think you’ll make it do you?” “You realize the odds of that actually happening, right?” To which I say, “Your lack of faith only strengthens mine!” I have never not believed I will be published. It  has always been a dream of mine that I intend to accomplish. Every time I am in a book store and I am in awe of all the fancy new books, admiring their covers and reading about the authors, I say to myself, “I’ll be here someday. My book will be right here.”

When I met my first published author, she told me that imagining your success as an author is very important. You have to believe your story belongs there, and when you do that, your publishers will believe that, too. That is one of the many lessons I have learned that has kept me striving for my dream. Meg Cabot, author of The Princess Diaries series, said that you have to write a book that you would want to read. That struck a cord in me – I would probably not read the books I write if they were written by somebody else! So I rethought my story ideas and worked them into the kind of plots that I enjoy, and I can’t believe the difference! 

Now that my extremely long introduction to you all is about done, I’d like whoever is reading this to ask yourself this question: Are you preparing for your life or actually living it?

 “The only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it.”

~Steve Jobs, late CEO of Apple