Good god. I haven’t been on here in a year. A year.
I feel like, for the majority of my life, I have always been trying to get someone’s approval. People will always be around to tell you that you’re not good enough; you’re not thin enough, you’re not smart enough, you’re not kinky enough. It doesn’t really matter what it is—somehow, in some way, there is someone that is going to tell you this. For me, it was the people closest to me: my friends, boyfriends, family, co-workers. Being the tender heart that I am, this was a direct shot to my heart.
When I was 17-years-old, I made a promise with myself to lose weight. I had some bumps along the way, but within six months, I had lost 40 pounds. It was incredible how I had made this life-altering change and I was so proud of myself, but I still didn’t have the approval of those around me. In fact, if it was possible, I felt like the people around me treated me even worse. I asked myself, why is this happening? Why can’t they be happy for me? Haven’t they seen how far that I’ve come?
I hit rock bottom when I came home from a basketball game my senior year of high school. I had spent the night with my best friend, my former crush, and his new girlfriend. I had stood up for my best friend on a social media site when her ex-boyfriend was being a complete jerk to her. In return, I received a personal message from him in my inbox, “You’re fat. Who’s smart now?” He hadn’t seen me since I had lost weight, so I quickly dismissed that, but it really resonated with me in the fact that, how you look is really only half the battle. If people, for whatever reason, don’t like you to begin with, losing 40 pounds isn’t going to make them fall in love with you. This may not have been the exact time or place that this lesson hit me, but it was something that I never expected to hear after finally reaching my goal weight.
I’ve been bullied for as long as I can remember. Whether in school, the workplace, online, over text…it doesn’t really matter. The point is, I have been there. I’ve been to that place where you feel like there’s no one to turn to, no one else understands, there’s nothing left to live for. And I can tell you one thing for certain: it does get better. Somehow, some way, the page turns and it’s a new day. People may always dislike me and I may never be the skinniest girl in the room, but this I have found to be the ultimate truth: if someone dislikes you, its their problem, not yours. Nothing that you will do will change their minds. I was bullied for being fat, so I lost 40 pounds, and people still judged me for my weight. You have to learn, sometimes the hard way, that it’s not your problem. There’s nothing for you to change. You’re perfect just the way you
are. There’s nothing wrong with you! There is, however, something wrong with them. If someone is truly confident and secure with who they are, they won’t feel the need to put others down. They will encourage other people to be comfortable in their own skin and with who they are. Your self-worth is not determined by anyone else but you. You tell yourself who you are, no one else.
I’ve been given the opportunity, call it fate or destiny or whatever you want, to start anew. I feel like I’ve been running in place since I graduated high school. I’ve always been a writer, but I put that on hold for a long time trying to do and be what other people told me that I was. Something I’ve learned is that people will gladly tell you what you’re capable of if you let them. I know that I am capable of so much more than people like to tell me that I am. People told me that I wasn’t capable of becoming of a famous novelist. They laughed at me. They told me that I had to go to college, work a meaningless job, and eventually, get a day job. Why spend $30,000+ in student loans when all the tools to be writer are within me? I never needed anyone to tell me how to write. Before I could even write my own name, I knew how to dream up a story. I took a writing class in college and all it did was make me overthink my writing, and my writing went to shit. It took me a long time to get my writing back to where I wanted it to be.
I’m a free spirit. I pave my own path, I don’t like to do “what everyone else is doing.” I have always wanted to do things my own way. Part of my recent “start over” came about because some pretty awful people wanted me to do things their way and I wouldn’t. I’m my own person, I’m not someone’s possession, you can’t tell me how to live my life. I’m not going to spend 8 years in college preparing to live my life, I am going to fucking live it.
My word of advice, to anyone who comes across my blog is: no one can tell you who you are. Only you can tell that. BE YOURSELF. Stand out. Normal is boring. Fight for what you believe in, what you’re passionate about. Keep fighting. You’re not alone.